I was on a long walk around Crown Lake – my absolute favorite walk in city limits – and was listening to one of my fave podcasts, Ravi Zacharias' Let My People Think. He was talking about how important solitude is for our relationship with God, and how really that prayer time is a foreshadowing of the communion we'll have with Him in Heaven. But I digress.
A lot of times, my thoughts wander when I listen to podcasts. I can't help it, though I try to refocus when I realize I'm doing it. Oh, I guess I could just turn off the iPod and let my thoughts wander instead. But the pattern is different. I think about deeper things when I'm listening to a Christian podcast. Maybe it's the Holy Spirit whispering to me. Not sure.
Anyway, I thought about everything that has brought us to where we are now and how we have paid such a heavy price for our procrastination and avoidance of parenthood. But though I've asked God to forgive me, and I know He has, I realized in that moment that I hadn't directly forgiven my husband. Nor have I specifically asked him to forgive me. Unforgiveness between married folk – or any relationship for that matter – is bad juju. It prevents healing. We not only need to forgive each other, and ask God to forgive us for missing the mark (the literal translation of "sin"), we need to forgive ourselves. Forgiving yourself is just one way of loving yourself.
After my walk, I showered and hung out with the man. We were getting cozy when I told him my realization and asked him to forgive me, then I told him that I forgive him completely. It was a beautiful night.