March 30, 2011

Now where did I put that pain?

You know, I was doing better for a while there. Moving through life, experiencing brief bouts of optimism, smiling at children. But two weeks after my last therapy session I started to crumble. I had a couple of episodes of public panic. I cancelled my attendance at our weekly church small group because I couldn't stop crying. I knew something had to change.

So I made an appointment with my primary physician and got a prescription for anti-depressants. At first I felt like I was raising a white flag, surrendering to the admittance that I needed help and wasn't quite getting there despite all I'd been doing. But I understand this is just a tool to help me cross a bridge; to put aside my agony so I can focus at work, enjoy time with my husband, keep practicing guitar... you know, living.

It's been about a month since I started this regimen. And from the very first day, I stopped crying. I have been feeling less overwhelmed each week. I am able to focus better on tasks. I don't zone out as much in the grocery store. I'm not quite barfing sunshine, but you get the idea. Laughing is easier.

The weird thing is, I feel like my pain has been put in a box and stashed away. I don't really know where it is - not that I've tried to find it. But it's odd. Before the ADs, I started writing a song about my experiences. After I started the ADs, I couldn't continue with it - I'd lost my dark mojo for lack of a better description. This is also why I haven't posted for a while. My therapist told me that this is a common complaint from artists who have to dig deep to express themselves. I guess I can live with it - the alternative (sliding back into dark places) is not so attractive.

Instead, I started writing a worship song. This is a first for me, and hopefully I can turn it into something usable.

March 12, 2011

I love men

Got your attention?

Last night we joined a friend and a few of his buddies for happy hour - something that, honestly, we haven't done in at least a year (mostly because get-togethers are either DH and I or one of us meeting with one other person or couple). I was excited about it all week, which sounds pretty pathetic, but seriously.. we hadn't seen this friend since last spring.

So there we were at a pub trying to remember the last time we'd seen each other. At first we thought it was last winter in Steamboat Springs for skiing. But no - really the last time was in May last year when he showed up with a TON of food in sympathy for our first miscarriage (it was a joint venture with a couple other dear friends). Then we all briefly remembered out loud - oh wait, it was May of last year... - and before that weird silence or question could even pop into anyone's mouth, my friend said "Let's say Steamboat."  We laughed and toasted our beers and had an awesome time.

That's what I love about men - not that they aren't deep or emotional or anything like that, but they know how to skim around the serious crap when no one wants to talk about it.  Don't get me wrong - I would literally die a slow, painful death in emotional agony without my women friends - but sometimes the ease of hanging out with men is just cool. Just cool. Hah!

I give myself permission to enjoy this

It's amazing how the unresolvedness (if that's a real word - if not I still think it fits) of IF can put a shadow over everything in life. I've noticed that I have been wearing some shade of gray almost every day. Of course, it's all the rage in fashion right now, but still... It makes it hard to be optimistic about things, to plan for the future (out of fear, insecurity etc.). Sometimes having something fun to look forward to makes a big difference.

So, in that spirit along with the fact that we've been postponing this for a couple years now, I booked a trip to Paris with my mom in April.  Five nights and four days of museums, strong coffee, French food and spiderweb streets. I've been there twice before, never for more than two days, and what I love about the city is the rhythm. I could wake up and sit drinking coffee for quite a while before wandering out - something I love to do. I'm definitely going to do a bit of shopping - since they're on the forefront of fashion, anything I buy will get far more mileage in Colorado.

Someone recently asked if I was excited, and I replied yeah sort of, but not yet. Why not? Because time goes far too slow when I'm really anxious for something exciting, and I'd rather not aggravate myself that way. It makes sense to me anyway. But then they pointed out how the anticipation and planning of a vacation is half the fun for them, and I thought "well maybe I am missing something." So, with their advice, I am giving myself permission to give myself over to the excitement of daydreaming and planning. Throwing my heart over the fence as my friend would say.

Now how far is that wine bar from our hotel...