May 27, 2011


I was on a long walk around Crown Lake – my absolute favorite walk in city limits – and was listening to one of my fave podcasts, Ravi Zacharias' Let My People Think. He was talking about how important solitude is for our relationship with God, and how really that prayer time is a foreshadowing of the communion we'll have with Him in Heaven. But I digress.

A lot of times, my thoughts wander when I listen to podcasts. I can't help it, though I try to refocus when I realize I'm doing it. Oh, I guess I could just turn off the iPod and let my thoughts wander instead. But the pattern is different. I think about deeper things when I'm listening to a Christian podcast. Maybe it's the Holy Spirit whispering to me. Not sure.

Anyway, I thought about everything that has brought us to where we are now and how we have paid such a heavy price for our procrastination and avoidance of parenthood. But though I've asked God to forgive me, and I know He has, I realized in that moment that I hadn't directly forgiven my husband. Nor have I specifically asked him to forgive me. Unforgiveness between married folk – or any relationship for that matter – is bad juju. It prevents healing. We not only need to forgive each other, and ask God to forgive us for missing the mark (the literal translation of "sin"), we need to forgive ourselves. Forgiving yourself is just one way of loving yourself.

After my walk, I showered and hung out with the man. We were getting cozy when I told him my realization and asked him to forgive me, then I told him that I forgive him completely. It was a beautiful night.

May 17, 2011

Tiger Adopts Pigs?

This morning I received an email from a friend detailing the story of a mother tiger who, upon losing her three cubs shortly after giving birth, became depressed and ill. To rescue her, the zoo costumed some baby pigs and voila - adoptive mom is restored by second chance with other species.

I was considering this irony until I found out the pictures are real but the story is fabricated:

I'm having a particularly painful cycle which started a few days early. Makes me wonder if it's actually a loss. Doesn't matter though, and the speculation is depressing anyway.

May 14, 2011

Pray or Accept?

That's what is on my mind this morning - from the time I woke up, I have been turning this over in my mind. When do you pray for a miracle, and when do you accept your situation? But then, I remember all the women in the Bible who begged, pleaded, cried out, and prayed for a change and eventually got it.

Meanwhile, my breasts have been tender, my lower back has been aching a bit, I'm having crazy dreams, and I've been more tired than usual for a couple of weeks. Ah, hormones - life would be so boring without them!

Cried this morning after reading my daily devotional email (from

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast...
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!"
ISAIAH 49:15

My child, how could I ever forget who you are? I have engraved your name on the palm of My hand; I have sealed it in My heart and in the book of life. I created you, and I know every path you've ever taken, every decision you've ever made, every word you've ever thought or spoken. I remember the names of all My children. I will never forget any of them, for they are all special to Me.
Like a mother tenderly nursing her baby, You have nurtured me, Lord. You've guided my steps, overlooked my mistakes, encouraged my efforts, and praised my achievements. You forgive and forget my sins, but You never forget me. Thank You, Lord.
Always remember: The Lord never forgets.

May 13, 2011

Today's the Day

This is the second day of constant rain - a rarity in sunny CO. The weather was even worse this day last year, with snow flurries and freezing temperatures. Differences include: weather, lack of physical pain, no trauma, miraculous change of heart and perspective.

Oh yes - and I don't feel depressed. It's the strangest thing. Downright anti-climactic.

My awesome husband made French toast for me this morning. Got the morning off quite nicely! The power went out in the condo (stupid transponder likes to explode now and then), so we went to the library to work for a while. Stopped at a local Italian place for buffet lunch (what is it about buffets that make me feel like I'm contractually obligated to pig out?? urp..) Worked from home the rest of the afternoon.


Whoops - seems the day got away from me. It's now 24 hours later since I began this, so here's how the rest of my day went: My awesome sister-in-law sent me a bouquet of gorgeous flowers along with a note saying she's thinking of me. Pretty darn special in my book (her and the gesture).

Later I participated in a casual, coffee house music recital. I jammed out Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee" with my guitar and vocal chords. Watched Thursday night comedy on NBC. Continued a bit of reading in Genesis (Joseph has just been given dominion over Egypt for taking care of the grain ahead of the famine). Switched off the light. Slept well. It was all good.

May 6, 2011

Faith and Doubt are Hand in Hand

Yesterday I went in for my annual lady checkup. The last time I was in that office was when I had my second miscarriage, and the same person (the nurse practitioner) saw me then and now. She was wonderfully engaging and helpful, and wanted to know what all I'd been through since she'd last seen me. I gave her the lowdown – therapy, yoga, small group, this blog, and anti-depressants – and she was very empathetic. She remarked basically on how so much statistically and medically is against me according to the results of the fertility lab work. It sank my heart just a little, and I didn't ask for more details. All I remembered was "egg quality issue" and that was all I needed (wanted) to know.  I talked about how critical the support of our church family and others has been, and added "I don't know where you fall on this spectrum, but I'm going to tell you anyway: If it hadn't been for Jesus reaching straight into my heart, I would have DIED."

I left the doctor's office and headed home where I would put in another hour of work. I tuned into K-LOVE as I usually do, and praised God for preserving me and loving me. As I turned off the freeway, a song came on written by a man who's young daughter had died. I've heard it before, but this time I was bawling before it ended, my own pain fresh once again. It acknowledges the confusion and pain of grief and loss, even as it looks for the hope and promise of spending eternity with our loved ones. And that's how I feel pretty much. I told my small group last night about my house dream and about this day, and said that I feel like I'm riding on two tracks: faith and doubt. Why can't I just let go? Trust implicitly? Truthfully, I don't think that is something I can actually do. I believe that this is a supernatural thing that only God can do in me.

Heaven is the Face of a Little Girl
Steven Curtis Chapman

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”


God, I know, it's all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for.
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door.


But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there's no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there's no more enemy.

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream.
It's far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

Oh Jesus, make my dreams come true.

May 3, 2011

Dream of the Landlord

I had the most interesting dream last night. My husband and I moved into an apartment (which initially took the form of the one my mom and I lived in when we first moved to CO) and we were all excited to be there. 

Then I started looking around and noticed that the place wasn’t clean. Whoever lived there before we moved in had left some of their stuff – old stuff – lying around. The more I looked around, the more I saw. There were chunks of flooring ripped up and missing. And the front door didn’t close all the way. In fact, it was propped open by a neighbor who was borrowing a torchiere lamp to light the hallway. 

Meanwhile, I heard a lot of hammering noises like construction that seemed to be getting louder. I asked the neighbors about the condition of our apartment and they told me not to worry – the landlord was coming through and fixing everything. That was the hammering I had heard. I was relieved and happy, so we set about starting to move the old stuff out and organize. As I wandered through the place, I found that the previous resident also left behind three or four dogs and a couple of cats that needed to be fed, so I started tending to them.
To me, it feels like an allegory of the past six months of my life. I especially like the dream telling me that the landlord is coming to fix my house.