May 6, 2011

Faith and Doubt are Hand in Hand

Yesterday I went in for my annual lady checkup. The last time I was in that office was when I had my second miscarriage, and the same person (the nurse practitioner) saw me then and now. She was wonderfully engaging and helpful, and wanted to know what all I'd been through since she'd last seen me. I gave her the lowdown – therapy, yoga, small group, this blog, and anti-depressants – and she was very empathetic. She remarked basically on how so much statistically and medically is against me according to the results of the fertility lab work. It sank my heart just a little, and I didn't ask for more details. All I remembered was "egg quality issue" and that was all I needed (wanted) to know.  I talked about how critical the support of our church family and others has been, and added "I don't know where you fall on this spectrum, but I'm going to tell you anyway: If it hadn't been for Jesus reaching straight into my heart, I would have DIED."

I left the doctor's office and headed home where I would put in another hour of work. I tuned into K-LOVE as I usually do, and praised God for preserving me and loving me. As I turned off the freeway, a song came on written by a man who's young daughter had died. I've heard it before, but this time I was bawling before it ended, my own pain fresh once again. It acknowledges the confusion and pain of grief and loss, even as it looks for the hope and promise of spending eternity with our loved ones. And that's how I feel pretty much. I told my small group last night about my house dream and about this day, and said that I feel like I'm riding on two tracks: faith and doubt. Why can't I just let go? Trust implicitly? Truthfully, I don't think that is something I can actually do. I believe that this is a supernatural thing that only God can do in me.

Heaven is the Face of a Little Girl
Steven Curtis Chapman

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles.
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, “Daddy please come play with me for awhile.”


God, I know, it's all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for.
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door.
So right now...

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep,
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing.
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms,
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more,
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door.


But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer is gone,
Every mouth is fed,
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed.
Every lonely heart finds their one true love,
And there's no more goodbye,
And no more not enough,
And there's no more enemy.

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You,
And we both run into Your arms.

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream.
It's far beyond anything I can conceive.
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl,
Heaven in the face of my little girl.

Oh Jesus, make my dreams come true.