March 30, 2011

Now where did I put that pain?

You know, I was doing better for a while there. Moving through life, experiencing brief bouts of optimism, smiling at children. But two weeks after my last therapy session I started to crumble. I had a couple of episodes of public panic. I cancelled my attendance at our weekly church small group because I couldn't stop crying. I knew something had to change.

So I made an appointment with my primary physician and got a prescription for anti-depressants. At first I felt like I was raising a white flag, surrendering to the admittance that I needed help and wasn't quite getting there despite all I'd been doing. But I understand this is just a tool to help me cross a bridge; to put aside my agony so I can focus at work, enjoy time with my husband, keep practicing guitar... you know, living.

It's been about a month since I started this regimen. And from the very first day, I stopped crying. I have been feeling less overwhelmed each week. I am able to focus better on tasks. I don't zone out as much in the grocery store. I'm not quite barfing sunshine, but you get the idea. Laughing is easier.

The weird thing is, I feel like my pain has been put in a box and stashed away. I don't really know where it is - not that I've tried to find it. But it's odd. Before the ADs, I started writing a song about my experiences. After I started the ADs, I couldn't continue with it - I'd lost my dark mojo for lack of a better description. This is also why I haven't posted for a while. My therapist told me that this is a common complaint from artists who have to dig deep to express themselves. I guess I can live with it - the alternative (sliding back into dark places) is not so attractive.

Instead, I started writing a worship song. This is a first for me, and hopefully I can turn it into something usable.