Holding my Breath

Every day for the past few weeks I've put my hand on my belly and said "good morning" or "well, we made it another day." I have barely moved between the couch, the bed, and the office chair. I stand in awe in the mirror occasionally in wonderment as my body explodes in every direction, and I sigh as I try to find a pair of pants that fit and are still clean enough to wear.

This is all good, right?

From the fourth positive pee stick, I decided to submit myself daily to the situation and focus on being in the present in a way that I don't think I've done before. I check in with God, I eat crackers and macaroni & cheese and ice cream and iron-fortified cereal and vitamin B6 and whatever else I can find to beat down the 24/7 nausea and acid reflux, trying to stay one step ahead of hunger and one step behind over-eating. Cuz it's just fun like that. The force is strong with this one.

Good morning Sam (the name I've chosen); today you're the size of a blueberry. I'll love you for as long as you're with me, knowing that if you end up leaving before I get a chance to meet you, I'll see you in Heaven. I envision you growing strong, absorbing nutrients, while my placenta builds steadily and your heart beats and beats.

So I have become a good steward of my body as well as my mind. I am seven weeks along. I waited a couple of weeks to even call my doctor (yes, I am obsessively checking the toilet paper too), but I did stop taking anti-depressants right away. The latter has left me with constant dizzy spells that are finally starting to go away. The last two weeks - between incredible stress at work and exhaustion and sickness - have been hell on me. But the long weekend allows me to inhale a little deeper and sleep in for once.

We went hiking yesterday, which was hilarious. I'd stop periodically and bend over at the waist, expecting to hurl at any moment, then trudge forward as if my legs were swimming through molasses. But we did the loop, which I think was only 1.5 miles, and I was completely spent the rest of the day (despite a nap). Oh well. I like that exhaustion better than other types. I hear exercise is good for me, and I have to make an effort however feeble.

Words of Wisdom from Friends who Care Deeply

My husband has been having conversations with a good friend of his. This guy definitely has the wisdom of God, and one day he had many things to say (this was several months ago). Some bear remembering and returning to. I discovered a document in my folder this morning that has these and, remembering their power, decided to share them with you all:

Seek the truth that pulls you out of the living lies.

Don't believe the lie that your pain is too unique to be understood by others.

Don't try to fix or look for answers – look for the right questions to ask.

You WILL have a story to tell. You just don't know what it is yet.

My Children in Heaven

Last night I was reading part of this book called Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back. It’s fascinating and a quick read. Anyway, there is this one part where Colton (the little boy) walks up to his mom and says “I have two sisters.” He goes on to tell her that one died in her tummy (true), and he met her while he was in Heaven.

It made me cry. I cried with relief, I guess, knowing that my husband and I have two children in Heaven that the Father has adopted and are waiting anxiously for us. I better quit thinking about it or I’ll get weepy again. I am at work, after all.

I had trouble sleeping as a result (though it could have been the Mexican food too).

I do recommend this book. It is beautiful and innocent. Not the best-edited book I've ever read, since it was written by the boy's father, but still fascinating reading and very thought-provoking.

The Great Physician

I truly believe that God has healed me. There, I said it. Committed it to the blogosphere. Why? Because, I have asked for it. I have been led to parts of the Bible that talk about how critical a role faith plays in how God interacts with us.

This one really hit hard one night:

James 1:5-7, NIV
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. (emphasis mine)

I have been looking at how people have experienced healing throughout the Bible. Whether it was fertility, or sickness, or blindness or anything else, there is a consistency: faith and interaction. People acted out of faith; prayed in faith; believed wholeheartedly. I don't see anyone who said something like "Well, I've prayed about it but who knows what will happen from here." I'm not saying that never ran through someone's head. Who am I to project?

As for interaction, it always involved more than one person - whether that was a husband, a wife, a priest, a friend, a whole community, or Jesus himself - people prayed for each other for healing.

Now, I'm going to admit that I can't help the thoughts that come to my head that usually start with "what if." However, I am recognizing them as doubt and focusing on God instead.

As if to prove His point, today the message in my mailbox underscored my belief. I subscribe to a daily devotional from Rebecca Barlow Jordan. Here's today's entry:

Day 166

THE GREAT PHYSICIAN

"I am the Lord,
who heals you."
Exodus 15:26

From the Father's Heart
My child, rest in Me. I have given you a prescription for healthy living. When you allow your body to stress out and destructive emotions to run rampant, My healing cannot come. I am not only the mender of broken bones and dreams, but I am the restorer of broken hearts and lives. I am the great physician, and I care for all My patients with tenderness and love.

A Grateful Response
Lord, I bring the pains of a wounded heart and the aches of a broken body to You. I feel Your personal presence surrounding me with quiet assurance. Your touch releases my pent-up emotions, and healing flows through me like a fountain. Lord, You are my great physician.

Simple Truth
God's home is where we can hang our hurts.

A Prayer of Worship

You are God Who Sees Me
You walk before me
You are forever – in the past and the future
You redeem me
You sanctify me
You rescue me
You wrap your arms around me and call me Beloved
You protect me and save me
You don't let any tear go to waste
You use my pain ultimately for Your glory
You smooth my heart with your loving hands
You envelop me in Your love
You are the great I Am
You see me and know me
You are omniscient and omnipresent
You drive out my fears with Your perfect love
You give me Your spirit of peace
You give me rest
You give me a path to follow, hope, and a future
You are mine and I am yours
You love me.

Fertile Heart Pre-Conception Detox SummerFest

This is a thought-provoking look at a study which revealed that BPA might negatively influence reproductive quality. Not exactly shocking news, but it bears repeating. It's a good reminder for me to check the WHOLE label of anything I buy.

Fertile Heart Pre-Conception Detox SummerFest

How Fear or Unbelief Limits God in Our Lives

i found the most amazing blog from a woman of faith today and just had to share this with you. yes, she's been knocked down by the infertility stick, but her story is full of encouragement for those of us who struggle with our faith even as we overcome (or endure) incredible obstacles.

the topic i'm reading today: limiting God (part 2)

favorite phrase of the day: "...I have to start seeing myself pregnant..." this has actually been an evolving theme for me. between a dream about being told to see something to a brief encounter during a workout when i felt the command "i want you to see this" followed by a vision of my own pregnancy, delivery, and holding a baby, i can sense that this is something i need to do. now.

doubt has been plaguing me, and i reject it right now.