January 20, 2011

Why is it so Hard to be Honest with Myself?

There I was, being normal (as opposed to weepy, depressed, obsessive, blah blah) on a Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church. In the back of my mind, however, a little storm was brewing. Something had set me off and I'd been ignoring it.

In my quest for a successful natural pregnancy, I had re-started acupuncture sessions with a new practitioner that is closer to home. In my first visit last Saturday, we went through the health questionnaire, the examining of my tongue, the explanation of my diagnosis and my goals. She told me about a couple of patients that she had helped who went on to conceive, and seemed reasonably confident that she could help me.

So there I was, laying on the table with a dozen or so needles all over my body, trying to pray or meditate or listen to the background music or just keep my eyes closed and breathe. Somewhere in the middle of it all I suddenly thought "this doesn't feel right." I ignored this sentence and tried to focus on other things.

The rest of the day, though, that sentence kept popping back into my head with clarity and solidity. How could acupuncture be not right? It's good for me, it's healing, I can afford it for once... why shouldn't I?

The next morning I started listing what was going on in my head, trying to suss out where that thought came from. Trying to listen and stop rationalizing. I realized that, for me - as long as I'm going after acupuncture and other professional treatments, I'm really not seeking first the Kingdom of God. If I'm really, truly, brutally honest with myself, I had to admit that this was kind of getting in the way of that. For now anyway.

Lest anyone think that I'm somehow opposed to seeking treatment, let me be the first to say that this is the farthest from the truth. I would never deny myself the chance to get help when help is readily available. It's just that, in this case, I sense the Holy Spirit is calling me to a deeper level of faith, perhaps a deeper level of healing, and it scares the crap out of me.

Back to Sunday morning: I found myself caught in a whirlwind of questions, feeling utterly lost in everything with no answers and no direction. What should I do? How long do I have to wait? Should I adopt instead? I started talking to my husband, saying that I felt like I was all alone in this decision and desperately needed to feel like we were on this quest together. It's simply not enough for me to find the answers. And then I admitted the truth - that I thought I should quit doing acupuncture, that maybe I should take a break from all of this for a few months, that I need peace more than anything else right now. And then the storm broke, the tears came, and instead of going to church I spent that time crying at the kitchen table, accepting the rawness of myself and just being honest.

I want to have an answer. A path. A solution. Something to move toward. It's easy to panic, thinking that I'm running out of time. But right now, my task is to wait.. seek peace.. stop chasing after answers.. and just rest. For now.

For now.