The day I got the news from the specialist, I was completely leveled. Everything came crashing to a halt. Four weeks later I started weekly counseling because I couldn't see through the clouds of my own misery. I have now been seeing my therapist for about six weeks. I do feel better, in case you're wondering. But it's a matter of degrees, because infertility doesn't let go until it gets resolved. It's the very visible gorilla in the room. And even when it does get resolved.. well, who knows.
I also took some time to do a bit of homework. I have been interested in seeing how others deal with this sort of thing (which is what brought me to the blogosphere and eventual decision to start this one). Did they move right into IVF or adoption? After finding out the price tags for these, and knowing that right now we need to sell our condo and get into a house (which will cost big $ since we're underwater along with most of the nation), we decided not to decide. I asked God to show me what to do, to lead the way.
Funny thing, prayer. My pastor once told me that He always answers the prayers of those who follow Him. And the answer is generally either Yes or Not Yet.
Anyway, I was looking over a bookstore shelf and came across Julia Indichova's book, Inconceivable. She chronicled her story from diagnosis to exploration to healing and, eventually, to a successful pregnancy. What did I learn? That the specialist doesn't have all the answers. She doesn't hold all the cards. And her answer may or may not be God's answer for me.
And so I keep searching. I'm pursuing natural medicine, starting yoga again, eating organic as much as possible, and taking better care of myself. All of this makes sense to me right now.
So what about my pursuit of God's will? Well, this I prioritize above everything else. So even while I'm learning about Chinese medicine, I am Seeking First the Kingdom of God. I am staying in contact with Him, always checking, always knocking, always seeking. Only through His wisdom can I discern what's appropriate for me to pursue.
