June 12, 2013

my post pregnancy body 16 months later

Okay, this post is not about squeamish things. It's just about... physicality. I guess. Or rather, part analysis and part reality check.

I knew it would happen. They all say it will happen. But then when it happened, I thought maybe something was weird in my head.

It has happened. My body is not the same as the one that conceived my son.

I've seen pictures of women before and after who's very skeletal structure had changed - even in their faces (T.ori A.mo.s?)- and I was not exactly looking forward to that. Now it's mostly a non-issue because I couldn't be more grateful for my son and I'm completely aware that it's not about me. But still, I have my pride. But why? Why do I have my pride? What price vanity? Do I have to wear mom jeans now? (please God, no...)

Okay, so here's what's weird. I'm almost the same size I was before I got pregnant the first time. Then there was the first loss, and the second loss, and that space of time before my son came along. And now? Uhh... the curves aren't quite in the same place. My waist is a bit thicker. The same clothing size just doesn't look the same.

About two months after the boy was born, I went to a physical therapist to address my nether regions. I felt like the muscles were sagging so much that they would fall out. That, my friends, is a weeeeeird feeling. She made it all better. Recently, I've gone back to the therapist to address my left hip, which is apparently tilted forward a bit (or is it backward? I can't remember). That's taking longer. And I do yoga, dang it! I should be in good shape, whatever that means.

Confession: I was a lifetime member of Weight Watchers before my pregnancies. Now? I find it hard to give a damn. But I am trying to give a damn, I really am. Just not as much of a damn as I should if I want to get back to fighting weight (which, at my 5 foot 9.5 inch frame would be around 160-165).

I want to get into my size 12 wardrobe. Then again, I'm not sure it's worth the effort. But then, I should consider it worthy because I don't want to spend my 40+ years getting fatter and sicker by the decade. I need to be here for my family. Health is seriously important. So is chocolate and wine and beer and ice cream.

I'm finding it especially hard to feel sexy these days - a feeling that comes in handy when you're married and want to at least keep the coals warm.

You see my dilemma?! Watching myself change physically is not so easy.

If any of you moms have advice in this area, please butt in.