November 2, 2012

stressing out, stressing in

It was early Wednesday morning, before the sun was up. I was walking out the door, taking Sean to daycare, and realized I forgot his bag of bottles and such. I went back in to grab them and headed for the car. I got him buckled in his car seat and realized I didn’t have the security scan cards to check him in. I’d stuck them in my clothing the day before, and I could not remember what I was wearing the day before. It took me about three minutes to remember, and by that time I had burst into tears. I got out, locked the car with my son securely in it, stormed back into the house to get the cards, and took off. I still had to stop for gas and the grocery store, so I was late. Again. Like every day, except Thursdays when I work from home – and even then, it’s a struggle to start my day on time.

I’ve been telling people lately that my mind is a shower drain, and it’s really true. Only the really hairy things stick around – everything else seems to drain away.

My mind has been like that a lot for several months now, and it’s just getting worse. I can’t focus at work, I forget things at home, I’m constantly scrambling just to get out the door in the morning no matter how much I prepare the night before. It’s awful, and I feel like I have absolutely no control over my mind, let alone my life. Most of my women friends are either too busy for me to bend their ears or they don’t work outside the home so they couldn’t relate even if they had the time. Who isn’t insanely busy these days? Some kind of shrug their shoulders and don’t know what to tell me besides something to the effect of Welcome to Working Parenthood. True, but not helpful. My prayer life has also suffered tremendously.

So I have decided to pay someone to help me figure out how to live – my trusted therapist from my days of infertility-induced depression.

I’m under a lot of stress, as I’ve noticed lately. Between insomnia, fractionating brain rhythms, and snapping in half when I forget what I’ve worn, it’s time to surrender to the fact that my old methods of combating stress are woefully inadequate in my new life, and find a practical solution that fits who I am now.

If I learn things that I think could help others struggling with new levels of stress, I will definitely post them.