November 18, 2011

That makes sense (part 2)

I talked to my therapist about my fears. After going over my historical fear of evil spirits and whatnot, she surmised that I'm in a vulnerable place right now.

As happy and miraculous an occasion that this pregnancy is, it's also bookmarked by tragedy and real fears. Not to downplay the goodness of it, just to acknowledge what it has taken to get to this point and knowing that it's not over yet. She pointed out that, rather than entertain any fears about the baby, my mind latched onto the contrived fears of a scary movie as a substitute.

In other words, demons aren't what I'm really afraid of. What I'm really afraid of, and don't want to admit out loud, is losing the baby. By chance, or circumstance, or car accident or what have you.

I exhaled. I knew she was right.

She encouraged me to keep praying, and form a bit of a bedtime ritual. That's what I'm doing. The logical part of my brain can now say "That isn't what you're really afraid of anyway, and that's okay. Go to sleep."

As for the demons, I remember that I already have the victory of the cross and that's all I need.

I have slept much better the last few nights, and I don't wake up feeling scared.