my son's first lie

Yesterday morning was a battleground. At stake: an unearned potty treat (fig newton). Somehow the boy rationalized that, since he peed in his diaper, he gets a treat. Um, no son, that's not how it works.

We went back and forth several times, but I held my ground even as he wailed endlessly through breakfast and toothbrushing. I went on about my business, getting ready for work.

As I was about to head for the front door, he asked again for the treat. I asked him point-blank if he peed in the potty. He said he did and, knowing this was probably not true, I gave him the treat. A few minutes later my husband asked whether he'd used the potty and he said no. We took this opportunity to explain the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, and emphasized that this is wrong. I did not take the treat away from him, believing that to do so would set him off and he'd just forget what we were trying to say.

We caught him in a lie.

So now, when he insists on a potty treat I really have my hands full helping him to answer wisely and truthfully. That, and I don't think this reward system is having its intended effect. Ah, parenthood.

week 1 on the weight loss journey

So apparently I cannot have beer for dinner. That is my first lesson. The second is that, to avoid starving to death, I am buying every fruit and vegetable in the plant kingdom so I don't have to look at bagels with puppy-dog eyes. (mm! mmm! she whines)

I still don't know how I'm going to feed my notoriously finicky 3 year old who's idea of the perfect meal is anything beige. I put the veggies in front of him. I make sure they're at least somewhat delicous. That's the best I can do. I thank God he loves milk and green smoothies. At least I've found out that I can make the box of mac & cheese with just pasta water instead of milk and butter, and add salt to the boiling water. It honestly tastes every bit as good.

The journey of wellness/fitness/whatever you want to call it is meant to last a lifetime, so I am working on reframing my mind and habits. At least I can still have beer for dessert.

sleeping in is not an option

I took a sleep aid late last night. I slept WAY past my alarm this morning. What ensued was undercaffeinated insanity with bad attitudes. When will I learn that the whole freaking household falls apart if Mommy sleeps in?

On a good day, I'm showered and dressed with hot cereal cooking on the stove before my son gets up. How often does this happen? Maybe twice a week. Other days I'm playing catch-up, juggling the morning rush with my husband while trying to pack a lunch. He's actually pretty hands-on and helpful in the morning -- it's me who has a hard time asking for what I need to get us out the door. I have this stubborn independent streak that guides me to acting like a single mom instead of communicating what I need when I need it. Ahem.

Today I weighed myself. I am trying to push away the shame and feelings of unworthiness that come with being overweight. Lord help me.

weight loss and the working mom

I haven't weighed myself for a month or more, and though I'd rather not know what the number is I will weigh in tomorrow morning. I finally rejoined Weight Watchers (WW) an hour ago and have already used most of my points for the day. Ahem. I think I need to lose 30 pounds.

I've resisted joining the program for more than a year. Just thinking about measuring portions and consciously seeking healthy foods has felt like more than I can handle. Exercise has been easy to excuse myself from due to mental, if not physical, exhaustion (despite the fact that I know good and well that exercise gives a person energy). And excess consumption has been all too easy in a constant pursuit of stress relief.

Between working, mothering, wifing (not a real word but it should be), and being the meal director of the household, weight loss and fitness have been on the backburner along with many other kinds of self care. However, I have finally reconciled with this part of me and I accept now that my whole approach to being in shape is different than before I became a mother. It's about being the best 'me' I can be so I can also be a better wife and mother (and meal director).

Back to WW. I chose them because I've been successful before and they have a comprehensive set of mobile and website tools that make it easier to pursue wellness. I don't want to bother with meetings since there aren't any good times or locations near me (and I honestly don't want to take the time).

This morning I cranked on the stationary bike for 30 minutes and then grabbed a nasty fast food breakfast combo on the way to work. Oh well. Morning has passed and it's a new day.

random thoughts on the hundred foot journey

Yes, I will take a 20 minute walk at work. And yes, I will wash my silverware in the bathroom sink with the hand soap rather than make the hundred foot journey to the kitchen.

dream of the house and bird

A few weeks ago I dreamed that my husband and I were downtown walking around, looking for a place to camp. He pointed out a shady spot on a sidewalk (ha!). We walked past an old, dilapidated timber house that looked abandoned. I was fascinated by it, wondering what it used to look like. So we stepped into the front room to look around, and suddenly it started morphing, like it was going back in time. I saw the original wallpaper start to appear - dark red with a velvet fleur de lis pattern - and then the structure built up around us. Suddenly a jeep pulled up and I thought "Someone lives here?" We got out of there before they saw us, and I noticed a young boy in the kitchen. We kept walking, and as I turned around to look at the house again I saw it was completely restored, remodeled, and there was a big family gathering going on. Further down the block, my husband walked up to me holding a little bird on his finger. It had pretty yellow feathers all down its back. I let it rest its feet on my finger and I fell in love with it, so we decided to adopt it. I remember wishing very much that I could give it my blood so it would be a part of me.

It's one of those dreams that are just crazy enough for me to pay attention. To what, I don't know yet.

beautiful interruption

Last night, my son was going to bed early (according to pre-daylight savings time anyway). The lights were out already. I sang to him a few bars of "Yes Jesus Loves Me" and then invited him to our regular prayer. I started reciting it and he interrupted me. "No mommy! Stop." I asked what was the matter, and instead of replying to me I heard him praying his own prayer. I couldn't hear most of it but I caught "... bless Mommy and Daddy... In Jesus' name. Amen."

I'm pretty sure I just sat there with my mouth open. Then I tucked him in and wished him sweet dreams.

How beautiful is that? Sweet dreams indeed.