two months into potty training

Please don't tell me about how your 2 year old girl trained herself without an accident. Boys don't just take longer; they are perfectly content to wallow in their own filth until you continually lie to them about diapers not being available in their size. Potty training in a week? My ass.

Here's what our potty training life looks like (because yes, our lives consist of feeding and potty training our son to reach the holy grail of self-sufficiency):

• Get up in the morning and remove the overnight pull-up.
• Note: said pull-up may be filled to overflowing with piss, or might be dry. Also, if the pull-up is dry, there might be a really lazy one-hour gap between waking up and removing the pull-up.
• Encourage the first potty.
• Take note every time the child grabs himself, and ask if he needs to go.
• Witness the child run to the bathroom when he starts to have an accident.
• Give two treats for #2, and one for #1. Reinforce this guideline every time. Every. Time.
• Occasionally forget to give treats. Occasionally get reminded by the child to give treats.

Okay, so I would say he's about 80% trained. Most of the time he avoids accidents, but I am learning to let him accept the responsibility instead of freaking out when he has an accident. I usually start getting nervous if it's been more than an hour or so since he went last, and if he says he doesn't need to go, then I remind him to listen to his body and go before he really really has to. I think this is starting to sink in.

I still consider overnight a separate thing, though my husband and I agree now that we need to tackle this next. We've been pretty lazy about getting that overnight pull-up off of him first thing when he wakes up, but I guess that's what we need to do. I say "guess" because nobody -- nobody! -- tells you how to complete the overnight potty training. Wake him up at 2 a.m. to go? No freaking thank you. Control his liquid intake in the evening? Absolutely. Beyond that, we can only assume the rule is to remind our son the importance of going first thing in the morning while actually making him do it.

dinner last night

Since I'm the chief cook, meal planner and food gatherer, I'm fairly obsessed about feeding my small family. Yes, Dream Dinners has saved much of my sanity, but I can't eat it every day. Mostly because I actually want to cook now and again. At the end of the day though, my biggest concern is feeding my toddler dinner. More specifically, feeding him something he'll eat besides mac & cheese. Finally, since I know I'm not the only parent in the world who struggles to feed a picky toddler, I'm going to start posting my dinner experiments.

Last night I made mac & cheese. But hey, at least it was organic and I didn't stop there. I also nuked a package of frozen broccoli with cheese sauce and added that to the mix, using scissors to cut the broccoli up as small as I could. And to make it even more irresistable, I added a couple dollops of low fat sour cream. Verdict: Success! The boy ate quite a bit of this.

I also had a separate plate with cut-up bbq chicken breast and turkey hot dogs so we could pick off small bites. Verdict: Success. I believe he ate about half a hot dog and maybe an ounce of chicken (normally he doesn't touch meat but loves soft-textured meat products).

Finally, I served steamed carrots and piled some butter on his. Verdict: Semi-fail. He might have eaten one small carrot stick, and ate the butter instead.

This morning I actually made smoothies for breakfast (I have this habit of buying the ingredients and then forgetting to use them). This contained plain yogurt, unsweetened almond milk, peanut butter, chia seeds, banana and frozen blueberries. No added sugar. Verdict: Success! He drank nearly two cups.

supporting the person with dementia

Yesterday I talked about my dad and mentioned his diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer's. As it happened, I had an appointment with my therapist later that day. And as it happens, she specializes in geriatric depression. Divine appointment?

I expressed my feelings of sadness, helplessness, and frustration at my lack of ability to help him. I wish I could offer him more than a phone call or visit. I wish God would heal him. But until or unless that happens, there is fortunately something I can do to support him. That is to engage his mind.

Supporting a person with dementia is all about meeting them where they are. Putting oneself in their shoes. Understanding the emotions that they grapple with, which in my dad's case must be deep depression, unresolving anger, and utter fear and helplessness that I can only imagine. What if someone told you that, as of now, you can expect your memories, awareness, and comprehension of life to slip away from you slowly, one day at a time, like a dripping faucet until at last you don't know your family or where you are? How do you live for today, for right now? What can you hold on to?

My therapist likened the daily life of a person with dementia to Swiss cheese: On good days, you're in the cheese and you're able to remember things and participate in normal activities. On other days, you're near the edge of a hole in the cheese, just holding on to pieces of conversation or struggling to remember your birthdate.

Engaging the mind is one of the best ways of holding on to it, and two ways of doing that are through activities and memories -- tapping into the past.

My dad used to be a pool shark. He and my mom used to go out and play pool before they had kids, and rarely had to buy their own drinks. He taught me everything I know about pool, and I got to play with him last month. He didn't make too many shots, but he was keen enough to point out the mistakes I was making and congratulate me on good moves. He genuinely enjoyed himself and remarked on how he had more stamina than he thought he would. So, every time I see him from now on, I will take him to play pool with me.

I've been calling him at least twice a month, but now I will make sure to call once a week. And when I do, I will ask him questions about his past. What is his favorite 4th of July memory? What was it like during the Depression for him and his brothers? What is his happiest memory? These questions tap into those precious pockets of long-term memory and engage him beyond the present. It's also a safe bet that no one else is asking him such things. Not because they don't care, but just because it's not something most people think of doing.

Oh yes, and the next time I see him I will give him a big, long hug and cook him a good steak.

the slow death of my father

The other night I had a dream about my dad. He was youthful, and we were going to an amusement park for the day. We were smiling and talking together as we walked. My dad loves roller coasters, and especially loves to sit in the front row since he can't see very well (which scares the crap out of me). The last time we did this was probably 10-12 years ago.

In the years since, he lost his business. Then lost his big, beautiful house. Then had brain surgery. Then had a stroke during that surgery. Then suffered balance, vocal chord, and short-term memory problems that he cannot recover from. Then received a diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer's. Then started giving the middle finger to his meds, his wife, his diabetes diet, and just about anything that would give him a better quality of life with the years he has left.

The morning I woke up from that dream about him, I stood at the kitchen sink and cried. My dad is losing his body and his mind.

How do you help someone who's suffered one load of shit after another in life, and is giving up trying anymore?

As much as I love Colorado and can't imagine living anywhere else, I'd give just about anything to be close to my dad who lives in southern California. So I'm making more frequent trips there starting this year. I've been there twice so far this year - once on my own, once with my family. If I could swing it, I'd go out there once a month for the rest of his life. I don't know how realistic that is, and it depends on whether I could stay at his house. But visits with me and my extended family seem to be the only thing that helps to pull him out of himself. What wouldn't I do to help him?

I also am determined to make sure my son knows who his grandpa is, and one day be able to tell someone who he was. I also just miss him terribly.

I guess this is the heartache of growing older. Surviving your parents and trying to serve them as they approach the bridge that we all will one day cross. If he won't pursue quality of life, then I will do what I can to enjoy it more with him.

2 weeks after potty training: "if you think he's doing well, he's doing well"

We went to a barbecue yesterday and reunited with a former small group. Most of this group included the friends who prayed with me during my miscarriages, encouraged me through my pregnancy, and brought meals to us when our son was born.

I was standing outside with one gal, watching my son scramble around the bushes. She asked how the potty training was going, and I remarked how I generally thought he was doing well. I started to stammer over why I thought he was doing well, and she gracefully interrupted me saying "If you think he's doing well, he's doing well". Comparison doesn't help anyone, least of all the child.

Every child is different. Yup, boys take longer and don't care much about wallowing in their stuff. But at least they can pee standing up in the backyard. I'm now so used to cleaning feces off of surfaces and skin that another accident doesn't bug me all that much. That's why God invented germ-killing cleaning cloths.

In the meantime, I'm a little miffed at the fact that the boy doesn't think any of our chosen rewards are good enough. It took me three days to figure out that his idea of a reward was something specific and had nothing to do with toys. I've since run to Target to find more interesting candy.

guess who took his first potty poo?

It happened last night, just before bathtime. There was much celebration, toy giving, high fiving, and chocolate eating. I'll take it for what it is, and not assume this will happen from now on.

I am one excited mama. And I need a more interesting hobby.

1 week after potty training

Last weekend we took the boy out of diapers and announced, with much fanfare, that he's a big boy and doesn't need them anymore. Nine days later, I'd say that's about 65% true. I've since discovered how best to balance lessons and expectations.

Nobody ever told me that potty training really has three distinct steps, which might have helped (at least mentally):

1. Learn to pee in the potty
2. Learn to poop in the potty
3. Stay dry overnight

Once he got a handle on avoiding accidents (especially since he could go anywhere in the backyard), he didn't mind taking care of #1. However, I've yet to see him volunteer to take care of #2. I have since learned that this is a completely separate hurdle, and no amount of bribery (stickers, candy, new toys, whipped cream in a cup) can convince him to drop a load. It's a mystery to me, but for now we're going to shut up about it. I'll just count myself lucky that they've all been hard as a rock (thanks, yogurt and bananas!).

After doing some research, I think the best thing I can do is gently give him the option of pooping in the potty when he's ready and just don't mention rewards or anything. Some suggest offering to give him a diaper to poop in. Not sure how I feel about that, but what have I got to lose?

Aside from #2, the only other remaining issue is overnight training. This I'm more than willing to take our time on, because this kid is a deep sleeper (and I'd rather not deal with the morning revele just yet). Always has been. As in, 12 hours a night since he was 4 months old. I imagine it'll be another year before we see him dry in the morning long enough to jump that hurdle. Until then, we can all relax together in the early morning while he hangs out in his squishy diaper for just a few more minutes.