it's a good morning... sure, why not? (video)

right after dropping the boy off at day care, this came on the radio. i decided to turn the volume way up, which is something i normally only do for pink floyd songs. anyway, i find it impossible to be in a bad mood when this song is on. enjoy!

i am obsessed with (baby) food

first it was the general loathing contempt i usually hold for all forms of fast food (especially international chains who's mission seems to be erasing from the planet all flavor and freshness and promoting french-fried obesity).
then it was my own blossoming of becoming a serious (if poorly funded) foodie, relishing every opportunity to try new foods in interesting combinations.next it was getting a book called Baby Led Weaning, one that eschews pureed food in favor of finger-sized portions of anything baby wants to play with and, at some point, eat.sigh. i know, i have plenty of things to worry about. but the forming of my baby boy's eating habits is pretty darned important and it really does start this early. the problem i want to solve, or rather avoid, is the typical american picky eater: can't stand to try anything new, only wants to eat something if it's mass-produced in the form of a "nugget" and is well on his way to a lifetime of unhealthy eating habits that manifest in either a spreading waistline or diabetes (both of which have been plentiful in my family). only problem with the book above is that i think my son needs the nourishment of solids sooner than he will master his pincer grip. and so, i'm looking for inspiration. my dh's brother and his wife only pureed whatever they were eating for their little girl. seems simple enough. the grocer is packed with aisles of spoon-feeding convenience. hmm, not sure how i feel about that. now i'm seeing books about how the french have everything figured out, and there's another one from a food critic about how he got his daughter to be just as adventurous. okay, this week i'll blend what i made for dinner yesterday: chili mac. hey, it's nutritionally balanced and packed with protein and only slightly spicy. it's worth a shot. oh fine, i'll try some green beans too.but i'm still going to give him long strips of whatever's handy that he won't choke on: banana, peach, celery (which he loves gnawing on). maybe a blend is the best tactic, as this critter's already big enough to be twice his age (97th percentile in length and weight). this is going to be fun!... right?

link: mother and child linked at cellular level

wow. this is just the coolest.
Mother & Child Are Linked At The Cellular Level

middle what?

middle aged. midlife. ick. can you think of a worse way to describe yourself if you happen to be in your 40s?

i look in the mirror and i don't see that. i've seen other women my age - some look like me, some look much older, some look like they think they're much younger. or maybe i'm one of the latter haha!

but i guess it's true. i'm at that point when some people make radical changes in their lives. i've just made a radical change by becoming a parent for the first time. not so much by choice as by circumstance. do i wish things could have been different? ... in a way, yes. there are plenty of advantages to starting a family as a younger woman (physical stamina, youth in general). but, not only are there some specific advantages to becoming a parent now (self-confidence, inner strength, earning power, life wisdom), but if i spent much time regretting my current circumstances i would be shortchanging the incredible gifts that God has given me. what are those?

- freedom from fear
- physical healing
- emotional healing
- deep understanding and closeness with Jesus

apart from what i've been through in the last two years (read more on that), i don't think i would have received these things. certainly not so dramatically anyway.

but why, i sometimes wonder, did God let me go through all this? i don't think too long about that, actually. i know from the Bible that sometimes God allows things to happen in our lives specifically so He can work a miracle through us. i'm referring to John 9 where Jesus tells his disciples that a man who was born blind that "this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." (NIV). besides, if i posit why God allowed me to go through two miscarriages and a severe depression i'm doing more than guessing His will - i'm imposing it in a way. the fact is, i cannot judge God because it's impossible for me to know His full will for my life. that, i suppose, is what i will learn in eternity when He can display my life before me and tell me the full spectrum of how he used me to help others or show His glory. that, dear reader, is the only reason that matters.

anyway.. so what am i in the middle of? life? i don't know. i could die tomorrow for all i know, though it would be great to watch my son grow up here. i'm in the middle of a lot more than the average lifespan of a woman in a developed country - i'm in the middle of God's story. so i'll look around and see what i can be involved in, be the best mom i can be, work to my full potential, and seek God's will in all of it.

otherwise this middle-aged stuff is crap.

and now for something completely different... or, a new direction for this blog

I've run out of musings to muse on a subject that had infiltrated every crevasse of my brain for some time. (in)fertility will always be a part of my life experience, my personal history, and one of many lenses through which I see the world around me. But it is time focus on what is in front of me. And so, I'm choosing to start blogging on what's happening now. As it happens, I'm part of a growing demographic of women who become mothers after 40. Don't believe me? Check out this sample of blogs. So, if you care to join me for a peek at what life as a midlife (WTH!) mom is like, read on. It should be very entertaining!

Influences

Last night my husband and I were watching Star Trek Generations. The short synopsis is Picard's encounter with the villain, a scientist who is trying to escape the ravages of time by enveloping himself in a nebula that resembles what you might think of as an individual version of heaven.

In a key exchange between the two, the scientist tells Picard that "time is the fire in which we burn." Meanwhile, Picard suffers the loss of what would have been the continuation of his family line through his nephew. In realizing this, he weeps for the possibilities of seeing the family name continue since he had sacrificed family in favor of a career and never got around, it seems, to starting a family of his own for whatever reason. In a turn of events, Picard is caught up in the nebula and is instantly transported to his unrealized dream: a family home with his wife and four children at Christmas.

Oddly enough, and yet not so, that movie was pretty influential. It really illustrated the loss of what could have been and helped to force us to deal with our fear of having children (not having any idea that when we finally tried we'd have other issues to deal with).

One random memory I have from my late 20s is from a sci-fi convention. I was sitting in the audience watching movie preview reels. I looked at the row in front of me and noticed a double stroller with twin baby boys who had the most amazing bright, blue eyes and beautiful smiles. Something shifted in me and I burst out crying later that day when no one was around. I tried so hard to ignore my maternal instincts that apart from experiences like this, I actually convinced myself that I didn't want children.

Or how about this: In the animated movie Up... well it's recent enough that I probably don't need to describe the heartache that the characters experience - and invoke - in the first 20 minutes. That's a movie that we refused to watch once we were diagnosed with infertility. Now we watch it through eyes of wisdom and compassion.

Another influence would be the child-free couples we've known over the years. I couldn't help but look at their lives and wonder if their reality would someday be ours, even as I struggled with my own issues. Yet another would be looking at the lives of couples with several children and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted on their behalf while feeling relief at our comparatively simple lives.

So what's the point of this post? I'm not sure. I guess it's first to illustrate how movies, media, and relationships can and do influence us on our journey toward parenthood. The second is to express a desire to be an influence.

If I had the opportunity to be an influence on someone else who was considering parenthood (apart from any infertility struggles) and was near or over 30 and in a committed relationship, I hope that our example of delaying things almost to the point of no return causes someone to address it sooner rather than later. I kind of wish someone had let me know the truth of how most women's ovaries age. Knowing that fertility starts to decline rapidly in our late 30's might have gotten me to quit procrastinating. Maybe not.

If I could influence someone who suffers with a diagnosis, I hope my life illustrates the hope of Jesus. That there can be joy within circumstances, that one answer may not be the final answer, and that regardless of what happens God does have a plan that moves us beyond what we experience.

As it is, I can honestly say that my son is a big influence on me now. Sometimes I think about the fact that I almost missed this. I can't believe that I put this off for so long - I was really punishing myself for imagined difficulties, thinking I was better off for some reason. Don't worry, I stop short of actually feeling guilty.

These days I'm also influenced by other couples who have chosen to embrace adoption - especially foster adoption. They are absolute heroes in my eyes.

"What do you want for Mother's Day?"

I stared at my husband with a dumbstruck expression, not knowing whether I should be pre-selecting a present or just being deeply appreciative for embracing the day because of my infant son. I have no idea, honestly, what I told him. It felt greedy to ask for any "thing."

Here is another thought about Mother's Day: I can celebrate the fact that I have several children waiting for me in Heaven, as I believe God is taking care of them and they are all wonderfully happy in eternity. How they got there doesn’t matter as much as the fact that they are.

And another thought: I am truly grateful for my own mother, for our strong relationship and now for the chance to share motherhood with her as I begin this new chapter of my life. I am also grateful for all of the mothers that have shared their wisdom with me: my stepmom, my mother-in-law, my grandmothers, my aunt, and my women friends. The act of mothering is not limited by blood or family status, and we women should be mindful of this very important fact as we impact the lives of those around us. As a wise person once told me, "whatever you do, be a mother to someone."

I don't know what your situation is, gentle reader. You may be on any number of trails in the mothering journey or you may have decided that your journey has ended for any number of reasons. My prayer for you is that, if you do not have children, you find a way to mother someone and build those relationships as you are given the opportunity. Who cares if there isn't a Hallmark card with your name on it? The greatest gift we can give each other in this life is love – indeed we are commanded to do so.

John 13:34-35
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

And who doesn't need a mother's love?